Issue #2: Perfectionists Anonymous
+ my top 3 book, podcast and idea recommendations this week.
Figuring It Out is a twice-weekly newsletter centred around an idea about figuring out life, conversation/journal prompts and curated recommendations to spark something in you. I’m still playing with the formula so let me know if you have any feedback! And if you like this newsletter, please forward it on to anyone that you think would as well. *hugs and squeezes*
📚 Book - Emma of 83rd St by Audrey Bellezza & Emily Harding
Looking for a book equivalent of a warm bath and a block of chocolate? Then look no further. Emma of 83rd Street is a modern update on the Jane Austen classic, Emma, with allll the benefits you’d get of a modern update (hint: so steamy, and so satisfying since we can’t get close to that in the real thing!). This really felt like book valium when I needed it most!
🎧 Podcast - What’s the Juice by Olivia Amitrano
I’m not usually one for wellness podcasts *but* this episode of What’s the Juice with Dr Gabrielle Lyon on ‘why muscle matters more than anything’, viewing your muscles as an organ and how it influences brain diseases like alzheimer’s was a gamechanger for me.
💡Idea - The Remarkable Life Deck by Debbie Millman
Debbie Millman is one of those OG people of the internet. The prolific designer, podcaster, and writer has created this deck of cards inspired by an exercise she once did in a class at the School of Visual Arts in 2005. Millman poured her heart into the writing, filling her essay with “long-ranging, farfetched goals.” The key to this exercise is to not limit yourself in any way. Fast-forward to 2017, and Millman explains that nearly everything from her essay has come true. And the same has been true for her classmates, and students. Hence this deck was born! I’m kicking it off this week - let me know if you want to know more.
Calling All Perfectionists 🙋🏽
Ahhhh that ultimate 90’s interview question slash humble brag. Perfectionism was such an innocent concept back then, wasn’t it? A universally accepted way of saying “I’m too good”…. “I care too much” - and drastic shift to the current 2020’s understanding of the idea.
For years I never considered myself a perfectionist because, quite simply, I wasn’t good enough to be one. You see the catch-22 right?
As with any 12-step program, admitting to myself that I was one turned out to be the first step in this (ongoing) journey to healing it. Now I see that perfectionism is simply a fear of failure, albeit one that’s all dressed up for a night out.
Perfectionism is a disempowered form of manipulation. Read that one again.
Procrastination is really perfectionism. It’s self-sabotage. A particularly insidious idea because self-sabotage is so damn hard to see! I was recently noodling on this when I stumbled upon a prompt from a therapist:
What part of me benefits from staying exactly where I am?
It was a curly question to wrap my head around since my conscious mind is ready for change, has been taking action, is almost desperate to move. Therein lies a hint - are we so busy moving and dithering and completing our to-do lists, that we’re missing the one thing that will move us forward to the goal we want to achieve? Are we staying in the familiar and the comfortable, leaving our shadow to actually run the show? You would think perfectionism would lead to high standards and high-quality work, but instead, it ties us up in knots, holding us exactly where we are.
By beating ourselves up and holding ourselves to impossible standards, it’s like we’re saying to ourselves we don’t have permission to learn and grow.
If I had to put together a 12-step program for my own perfectionism it wouldn’t be 12 steps, but it would look something like this.
Become aware: Admit we are afraid of not being perfect or good enough
Know you can fundamentally change: This is a habit like any other, and not one that you need to define yourself by because you can completely change it.
Relax: Set a time period (say, a couple of weeks) to let go of the wheel and focus on how you feel.
Review: What did you learn about yourself in this period? What feelings or opportunities came up?
Share: Be open about what’s coming up for you and share with others. This takes the sting out of maintaining the perfect facade.
Prepare for change: Identify one area of your life that you can focus on changing (for me, this would be work. In particular, hitting deadlines).
Journal: Take note of what your feeling, shifting and changing daily.
Review again: How far have you come on this journey? Does it feel like you expect? Can you map it out so that you could follow it again when it comes up?
Help others: Having a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles.
I’d love to know - do you struggle with being a perfectionist, and if so, how does it present? Mine has always been with work deadlines but thankfully, it’s changing!
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